Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
