She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
