The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
