you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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