I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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