chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
