Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
