oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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