Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I want a musical about memes.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
