Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
