It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
