I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
