U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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