before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
