i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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