do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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