i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
