I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
