if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
