roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize