You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
