I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
