We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
