ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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