There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
