I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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