I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
