the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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