Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
