I need to stop coming to work sober
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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