I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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