Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
