Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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