Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
