I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
