Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
