If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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