At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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