Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
