he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
