STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You ruined the universe
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
