Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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