never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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