Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
