Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
