Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
