There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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