The maid of honor just puked.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
