omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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