I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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