I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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