Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
