So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
