He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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