I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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