I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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