I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
