i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Randomize
