I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
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