Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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