There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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