and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize