I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
